She Was A Beautiful Person (to someone who just went to heaven)
Sometime around 3:00 p.m. today, that’s about 10:00 p.m. in Beijing, a girl jumped from the 4th floor of a campus building, crashing her head on the hard cold ground, in my former university.
I noticed it when some student, some witness posted the information on the university’s BBS.
As hundreds of people on the BBS instantly started the discussion of the life and death issue, responsibility issue and so on, I found the death’s webpage on Xiaonei (a Chinese facebook). I started reading her notes. Lots of notes…Once I started, can’t stop.
The most striking thing for me is that she seemed to be a rather cool person. She was a lesbian, which can be easily noticed, since she mentioned some “SHE” several times in her notes. She was always wearing these rather cool neutral clothings in the pictures she posted and listening to this great song of True or False by Fanfan.
She was like writting poems. And she was obviously suffering the depression. Every line she has written is filled with the feeling of depression.
“Depression, something I must have born with. Congenital and inherent.
With time of happiness is mania. A kind of depression, started from the summer.
Narcolepsy existed from a long time ago, just that it gets worse.
Can fall asleep whenever and wherever, as long as I feel more comfortable sleeping than staying awake.
She studied in the art school, she wanted to be a director, she was shooting some movie, she wanted an excellent SLR, she wanted a professional VCR, she wanted to do a lot of things, needed a lot of money…
She imagined several ways she could die. Be shot in the head, blood pouring out to the ground. Be hit to death in a gang fight, with blood scattered in all corners of the world. Or be floating in the ice-cold sea, body pushing back to the earth by the tidal water. Or every piece of her flesh and blood flies in a bomb attack in a war somewhere in the world…
As I was reading, I couldn’t stop thinking still, still, there were so many chances that it could’ve never happened. I couldn’t actually realize that these words I was reading were written by someone who literally didn’t stay in this world. I couldn’t feel more doleful as other hundreds of people accusing her cowardice and irresponsibility on the internet.
She wrote in her last note not long ago,
“I am alive.
Happily or painfully alive.
All for myself.
I kill myself.
Because of my own unbearable suffering.
When would the winter end.
When will I be happy?
I am waiting for the arrival of the new year.
Waiting for the day when spring comes warmly.”
As I think of it, at this long and dark night of northern Europe,
She was a beautiful person.
Hope she goes there well.